Last night, as I lay in bed, I was able to feel the cool soothing comfort of my sheets. I stretched my body out and lay in weird angels....just because I could.

You see, it was my first night, all night, without my child in my bed with me.

It started out so innocently. After the move and the fire we had gone through, the death of my mother,..we both needed the comfort.

Then gradually I realized I was being held hostage in my own bedroom. Toys started to appear in my room, found by my foot on a three a.m. trip to the bathroom. I began to see dirty socks left on the side of my bed, then his pillow would appear, his blanket, until gradually my bedroom morphed into a somewhat cleaner version of Kendells.

We have discussed this situation many times. In fits of frustration I would demand an immediate exodus of all things labeled "ten years and over" from my bedroom. I would take his blanket and pillow back to his room in the morning only to walk in to find out that they had magically transported themselves back to my bed.

I bribed, begged, threatened, entreated...all to no avail. Even if he started out in his room, I'd wake up to find him snuggled up nice as can be in my bed.

I put my foot down this week. He starts school next week and I know if he's in my room he wont be asleep till I settle down for the night. So I shipped him off to his room. First night I got the 3am visit. Last night...it was an all nighter!

He stayed in his room the entire night!

I got to stay up and watch TV in bed, read a book, talk on the phone...all without my son!

Soon, I might even be able to sneak guys over...I'm so excited!!!!

My brother began his bid again to have me move to Texas.

I've lived the bulk of my life in Washington State. It's what I think of when I think of home. I was born here, attended school here, bore my son here.

There are days this place seems as vast and unknown as a dessert. My ties here have strained and loosened till they hang on only with the bare edges of fibrous resolve.

My mother is gone, my sister I barely see.
Friends have scattered far and wide and what remains here is not true and real.

What stops me from making that leap, that jump into fates arms? Can it be worse then living through weeks where the phone never rings or laughter is shared between two conspiring smiles?

Can it be worse then knowing there is no one here that has your back...no one. That you are well and truly alone in this place, this small piece of land that used to feel like home.

I wonder.... I wonder if the grass is greener in Texas

Conversation with a "customer":

Young Man: "Hi, I'm looking for where I go to court."

Coworker: "We are not part of the courts, did it say District or Municipal court on your papers?"

Young Man's Friend: "Uh, he is supposed to go to the same court room as I did."

Me: garble sound, cough cough, snicker

Coworker: "I'm sorry but I'm not part of the courts and since I don't know you...."


No wonder our judicial system is overwhelmed if these two Einsteins are an example.

I have a beaver for a dog.
He is systematically eating my fence, rendering it into the gap toothed smile of a 90 year old senior. Forced into action, I recently repaired that smile with all the finesse of a one handed, two fingered dentist. It wasn't pretty, but it worked.

Buddy must have took that as a challenge because as of today, it's so gaped tooth you could slap a roof on that sucker and call it a shed.

Gaps result in failed escape attempts by Buddy. They fail for a few reasons.

One, he is a hundred pound dog trying to fit into a slat sized opening, two, he is on a fifty foot lead. While that allows a certain amount of freedom, it also tends to thwart the Great Escape by wrapping him around various impediments such as poles, trees, and on occasion, people. He then panics, yelps, barks and basically causes your ear drums to bleed by hitting pitches never before known to man.

You might think I'm a bad owner for having such a cutie pie on a lead.
You would be wrong.
I have a fenced yard. I also have a kennel.
The first day we moved in Buddy escaped the back yard by going under, over, and through the fence. Evidently he was just researching his options.

Fine. we go get a kennel. My friends husband, his friend, and a case of beer, managed to put up that kennel. As he was leaving, he patted that Kennel proudly, burped, and said, "nothing is getting outta here. I anchored it down reeaalll good."

It took Buddy ten minutes flat to pry up that chainlink into a hole large enough to squeeze his hairy behind through. It took Kendell and me several hours, and four McDonald hamburgers to coax his reluctant doggy ass into the car.

Hence.....the lead, which we have had to replace three times because he breaks them. Did I mention that the leads are made of steel cables? ..um..yah.

Today, with all the Machiavellian charm he could muster, Buddy managed to manipulate Kendell into letting him off the leash in order to free Buddy from his tryst with a bush. He then led Kendell on a merry chase through the neighbors back yard, around their bird bath, over to their tree, where upon the neighbors cat wisely decided amnesty was a good thing, down the street to the park, over, under, and around all playground equipment. Kendell, in one last desperate ploy, flung himself onto Buddy's back in the hopes of slowing down the freight train that is our dog.

Buddy is now home, Kendell has learned the fine art of dogback riding, and my fence...well, it has a date with my hammer.

Home sweet home, what I wouldn't give for a Valium.

I've had better weekends, nothing big happened...other then my face becoming one GIANT zit. Yes, I love hormones. A 33 year old woman should not be subjected to small explosions of "ick" on her face, ESPECIALLY if she's single!

The dog ate Kendell's pool. He is now, "the dog" and not Buddy, because of said pool eating incident. Although I can not entirely blame "the dog" because "the boy" was watching and ignoring my "He's going to bite that pool!" yells. Today "the boy" gets to use his money to go buy a pool patch since the electric tape I used yesterday didn't seem to do the job....go figure.

My candle order came in...funny, no one told me it was coming to MY house. Also, no one told me I needed to keep copies of the orders...you know, the ones I threw away about two weeks ago...oops.
So this morning as I trudged down the hill of slippery death with twenty packages turning my arms into recycled spaghetti...I smelled awful darn pretty.

The biggest chunk of my car brake payment was paid this weekend...$400 buckaroos to be exact. My mechanic was very understanding that I wrote out the check in blood.....he's a better man then I.

...and it's all MotherDear's fault!

Most of you know, I have a intense unlike for meme's.
I'm not interesting enough to keep your attention long enough to make one worth anyone's while. But since Motherdear offered to make me soup when I was ill...yea, here it is.
Anyone else feel chilly in here???


1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name)
Lady South 20 (giggle)
2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side, your favorite candy)
Maude Kiss (lord, I KILL me)
3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your middle name)
Klo (kinda like Jlo...huh, we both have the butts at least)
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Blue Dog
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Lorraine Fort Lewis (huh, me thinks I'm not getting any action with that name)
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 2 letters of mom's maiden name and first 3 letters of the town you grew up in.)
Mookatuspa (say that eating peanut butter...dare ya!)
7. Terrorist Name: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards) -
eniarrol renrut (had to look at number five to do this one...lol)

ah...who can I pass on such evil too???? Miss Lass, Carrie and.........um......Sexy Boy!

bwah hahahaha

After Kendell came home from camp and I was done smothering him with maternal affection, I instructed him to empty his bags in the laundry.

As we are sitting there talking about all his adventures I notice that his once white socks are the shade of old brick.

"Kendell, what did you do to your socks?"
"Nothingggggg"
"Uh huh, then why are they so dirty?"
"I dunno mom"

Later I wandered out to the laundry room to start on the pile, as I'm separating whites from towels from colors I notice that all his socks are clean and still folded neatly together

"KENDELL!!! Why are there still clean socks from CAMP?!!"
"I dunno mom"
"Do you mean to tell me that you wore THOSE (pointing at his brown socks) all week??"
"Oh no mom, I changed my socks"
"Really? Into what? Because you can't deny the evidence", "Did you even bother to change your UNDERWEAR???"
Prolonged pause...
"um"
"WELL?"
"You see..."
"Yes, yes I do see. I see that you put on dirty socks and undies every time you changed out of your swim suit"
"Um, mom, I REALLY need to go clean my room now"
"Oh no, you really need to go take a bath now...you need to delouse, and those socks....put them in the fireplace before they walk away!"

Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross!

There is a house.
It's just like a million other houses in anytown USA.
It could be the house next door or just down the tree lined picturesque street.
You don't think much about it.
You pass it every day.
Never knowing the secrets held behind its shutters and doors.
The walk is lined with flowers, yard landscaped and pretty,
it is the picture of yuppie perfection...
So why do you feel such foreboding when you approach this house you ask yourself.
Why do you take pains to avoid it day after day in your walks.
Sometimes retracing your steps, just to evade it's picture window stare.
What is it about this house that inspires such trepidation?
Such abject fear?

Well...it could be that it's the house buddy threw up on last Halloween and you were too chicken to tell the owner about the pile of dog chunks on his walkway, so instead you grabbed dog, costumed child, and hauled serious ass outta there...


Yah, pretty sure that's it.

There's this song that tends to run rampant
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,Guess I'll go eat worms,
Like a toddler on crack
Long, thin, slimy ones;
Racing through my mind
Short, fat, juicy ones,
when I'm feeling sorry for myself
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms.
Repeating itself over
Down goes the first one,
And over
down goes the second one,
Again
Oh how they wiggle and squirm
Till I start talking to myself
Up comes the first one,
In public
up comes the second one,
and people cross the street to avoid me.
Oh how they wiggle and squirm.
Damn worms...

There was much hugging to be had at the Moore household this last Friday. But first I had to pick him up.

I was so excited to be picking up my son from his foray into the wilderness. Arriving a half hour early I sat in my car anxiously awaiting the site of his little face while rendering my cuticles into tiny little shreds of flesh.

As his bus lumbered past my parked car I jetted out of the seat like my pants were on fire, shut the door, and hurried to were he would be disembarking.

As I looked for his sweet baby face something was niggling at the back of my mind. "Shut Up Mind", I told myself while searching the crowd for my baby boy.

"You've done something" my mind said back.
"Can you NOT see I'm busy" I mumbled as I spied my short pie heading towards me.
"No, seriously, you're gonna be pissed"
"Come on! I'm waiting to give my pooh bear a hu...SHHITTT!!!"

"Told yah!" my mind chortled gleefully.

In my excitement to see Kendell I had locked my keys in my car.


Only me...

Here's my little pooh bear looking a little less clean and pretty darn content I think.

He abstained from the shower the whole week...thank GOD there was swimming!

More to come later, right now i'm busy smothering him with mommy kisses!

"Whelp, you drove those shoes right off your car."

Ahhhh, that must have been the painful shrieking I heard the other day. It was the sound of the brake shoes screaming in agony as it was pulled out by it's hair follicles and tossed around for the amusement of my wheel axle.

I do believe I just heard my father, the mechanic, roll over in his grave...

I broke the car.

The brakes have been bad for a long time now, but as everyone knows...breaks cost more then a newborn child and since I can't afford one of those either...

So I put it off, and put it off....seems I put it a little too far and off the edge of the world it fell.

It was towed out of my driveway this morning. The right front wheel seems to have something against turning. Must have something to do with that rubbing sound I've been hearing, you know, the one that turned into a full fledged banshee SHRIEK yesterday...yea, that one..pretty sure that's it.

I could go forward, but that direction led me too Buddy and the house. I can let you know that dogs DO panic when a car comes at them...go figure.

On a bright note, my mechanic will take payments...I'd rather he just take a pound of flesh, I have plenty of that to spare...money? not so much.

I can't wait to get Kendell tomorrow...I need a hug.

The question I have for myself every once in awhile has finally been answered.

What would my life be like if I had no children...

BORING!!!

Must.
Not.
Dial.
The Camp.....

ARGHHHHHHHH

Walked the dog for two hours

Watched a movie at home with a friend

Went to bed with the hall light and the tv on for company....

sad, sad, sad.

I was all prepared to have a sobby post this morning, complete with a photo shot of a bus driving away in a cloud of dust...Preferably with my young son hanging out a window waving tearfully with a face of abject woe.

Um, not so much.

We get to the office about fifteen minutes early. Drag in his stuff, sign a few things and sit down. Where upon a girl with curly brown locks turns around from where she had been sitting, sees Kendell, giggles and turns away.

Kendell looks from her to me and with a straight face says, "you can go now Mom."

I of course assume he is trying to be brave and tell him that no, it's all right, I can stay.

"Don't you need to get to work Mom? You'll be late, you don't want to get into trouble."

"Are you sure?" I ask him, "I can stay, no problem."

"No really Mom, I'm fine...you better get to work."

So I gave him a kiss and hug goodbye and wandered out of the office with longing backward glances towards my little one...who was blissfully ignorant of my looks since he was busy chatting up the girl who had just made googly eyes at him.

Sniffle...

Argh, Grrr...Grumble..

I articulate well I know...

All this frustration is over what should amount as a vacation from motherhood.

Kendell is going camping....sleep over camping.

It will mark the first time I have been alone for more then a night without my son in TEN YEARS

gag..ten years? I should be marked for Saint Hood by now right?

Has it been that long since I've been allowed to go to the bathroom without hearing, "mommmm, where ARE you??"

um, yes, yes it has.


So you can understand my mixture of anxiety, anticipation, and outright confusion on what the heck I'm going to do with five whole days of being single. Because I may not be married, but when your a parent, your never really single again....EVER

In anticipation of the momentous occasion I have thought of a few things I haven't been able to do in the last ten years or so:

• Walk around naked (this was ok when he was a baby, now it's just something that would cause a permanent need for therapy when he gets older)
• Speed without hearing about the speed limit from my son, the future hall monitor
• Shop....oh yes mall, I do remember thee

On the other hand, I will be missing these:

• Before bed time cuddles
• Hearing mischievous giggles
• Listening to REALLY bad jokes
• Hearing, "I love you Mommy"

So I'm off to mark his name in all his underwear, douse him with a liberal shower of bug spray, lecture on the benefits of NOT arguing and quietly bit my fingernails to the quick

Yah....It's gonna be a loooong week.

Mom,

Thoughts of you have been haunting me lately, the ghost of you a daily companion. I wonder if you send winged thoughts of me to flitter about, reminding me, trying to comfort me.

"I miss you mom" is a phrase that flashes through my thoughts at least once a day like a plane dragging a banner across the sky behind it. Unexpected and out of the blue it floats onto my consciousness, across my minds eye, and fades away into a distant spot on the horizon.

I've lost the words for what I miss, it's peeled down to an ache, a sense of cavernous emptiness and loss. Does it ever change Mom? Do I ever get to sit and remember the times you dragged me to some bowling banquet smelling of Chantilly and lipstick. Do I get to laugh at how you would be yelling at me in one instant and turn into Donna Reed the moment someone showed up at the door.

When does the pain fade away into acceptance Mom? When will I stop looking to your memory for answers..and forgiveness?

Words left unsaid burn their voices into my chest, setting aflame to the meat on my bones, clogging my throat with regret. When does the bleeding stop?

Two years,
Six months,
Two days...

When will I be able to let you go?

My friend is going on a long distance driving trip alone. Being paranoia personified, I harangued her until she promised to check in every six hours so I knew she was alive and not being held as a love slave by back road hill billys.

She asked me what song I would like to have assigned to my name when I called in. Being the clever girl I am I chose "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks.

When she programmed her phone to the song, here is what the phone had to say, "Bitch Setting Confirmed."

Now who says technology isn't intuitive??

Name:Kara

Location: Tacoma, Washington, United States

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I'm a recovering single mother trying desperately to see humor in my day to day toil while simultaneously avoiding reality as much as humanly possible.

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